Your Ex Texted You Out of the Blue: Real Reasons & the Best Ways to Respond

Why did your ex text you? And how should you respond? Should you respond at all?? Here are some things to consider:

Why did your ex text?:

  • Breadcrumbing

“Breadcrumbing” is a new term that refers to the methods people use to keep someone interested in them. They might not be willing to commit to the person, but they want to keep enjoying the attention they receive from them. So they leave little tidbits of attention, or “breadcrumbs” in the hope that the person will respond and continue to feed their ego. If you suspect your ex is breadcrumbing you to see if you will still give them attention and affection, bail. It’s not fair to use you as a crutch. They can either give you all of their attention or none at all.

  • They just got dumped

Did your ex leave for someone else, and now all of a sudden they are very interested in you and how you are doing? It doesn’t take an investigator to figure that one out: your ex just got dumped and is looking for a “safe bet” to soothe their ego and maybe have sex with them. Don’t fall for this. Even if you really want to get back together, don’t take back an ex who did this.

  • They want to hook up

Hooking up with an ex is a bad idea for many reasons. Some people believe that they can be friends with benefits with an ex, but that line gets blurry quickly. And if your ex stays in your life, it prevents you from moving on and meeting someone else.

  • They miss you and want to get back together

There is always the chance that your ex simply misses you and wants to get back together. How to proceed with that is up to you, depending on what you want. But in these situations, it is important to remember why you broke up in the first place. Do you really want to put yourself through that again?

  • They’re lonely

This is a tough one, but your ex might just be reaching out because they are lonely. If you are hoping to get back together, this might initially seem like a good thing. However, the fact that they wait until they are feeling bad to reach out to you indicates they aren’t as interested in you as they are themselves.

  • They want to see if you still like them

Your ex could be texting you out of the blue to see if you still like them. This is good if they feel the same way and want to rekindle a relationship, and bad if they are just using you for an ego boost. Only you know your ex well enough to tell the difference, so tread carefully.

  •  They’re feeling jealous

Have you recently moved on with your life? Maybe you started dating someone new, or perhaps you are just happy and confident. Whatever it is, your ex may text you out of the blue because they are jealous of your newfound happiness. Remember that misery loves company, so hold strong. You don’t want to lose all the progress you have made to a jealous ex.

  •  They haven’t moved on

Your ex could be texting you because they haven’t moved on from the relationship. They miss you and are still struggling with the breakup. How you respond depends on what kind of relationship you are interested in having with your ex. But remember, in a world where you can be anything, it pays to be kind- especially to someone you once had a loving relationship with. 


How to respond to an ex who wants to rekindle the relationship when you don’t: 

  • Be friendly

Whether you still hold bitterness from the breakup or not, keep your exchanges cordial and polite. There is no need to be petty. If you’re interested in getting back together you can totally tease and flirt. Don’t push buttons or bring up anything that caused a rift in your relationship.

  • Don’t go back to how things were

It can be very tempting to pick up from where you left off. If they say they miss you, it can be so easy to say it back and fall back into old patterns. But, remember there is a reason you broke up. You don’t want to destroy all the hard work you put into being an independent person by regressing. If you do want to get back together, make sure you talk about what caused your breakup in the first place and work through it so that it doesn’t become a problem once again.

  • Be cautious

A lot of the time, an ex will reach out just to test the waters. They want to see if you’ll answer, if they still have a shot, and if you’re still open to them. They may have no intention of meeting up or getting back together. And they may want to cause drama for you or just remind you of their presence. Even if you have hope things can work out, be prepared for them to disappear soon.

  • Be honest

You have already done the hard part– breaking up– so now is not the time to pull punches. If you aren’t interested, do not lead your ex on or lie about your feelings for them or you. If they say they miss you and you don’t want to get back together, don’t lie. There is no use in sugarcoating it now. If you want to try for friendship, tell them you miss their company and friendship but aren’t romantically interested in them. But if they want more from you, they are unlikely to be tempted by this compromise. 

  • Ask for their intentions

If you are unsure what they want, ask. If your ex hasn’t asked you a specific question or made it clear why they texted you, ask them straight up. Say something like, “It is nice to hear from you, but it is also sort of random. Is there a reason you texted?” They should come out with it and let you know if they miss you, if they want to ask you something, or if they just want to talk.

  • Don’t let it get nasty

If you’re still furious at your ex, a casual text out of the blue from them can feel tone-deaf and infuriating. It can be easy to pick up where you left off when your ex texts you. You might want to say something nasty to hurt them or pick a fight. Don’t bother–you’re no longer together. There is no need for it. If you are going to respond, keep things civil. As the old saying goes, if you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all.

  • For friendship, keep the conversation neutral

If you are talking to your ex-friends and hoping you can salvage that part of your relationship, catch up. Talk up your latest work project, friends, hobbies, etc. Keep the conversation neutral and steer away from anything too personal. If you want to be friends, then treat your ex like a friend. Catch up on the stuff you would talk about with any other friend you haven’t heard from in a while.

  • Don’t talk about your dating life

As much as you want to catch up and it is nice to do so, try not to bring up your dating life. Sure, if you keep talking or feel like they have feelings for you, you will have to let them know if you’re seeing someone. But don’t vent about dating or talk intimately about it. Eventually, you may be able to share dating stories or even offer each other advice due to your history. Don’t rub it in if you’re just talking briefly. 

  • Don’t have serious conversations with your ex via text

Texting is a notoriously terrible way to communicate. If you want to be friends or are considering getting back together, texting may not be the best route. Not only are misunderstandings more likely to occur via text, but you can’t really see if your feelings have changed unless you meet up. If you have something serious to say or want to be friends, meet in person. If you meet publicly you can focus on talking.

  • Do not meet up with your ex in private

Whether you want to get back together or not, meeting up with your ex in person and in public is the best way to talk about both of your intentions without distractions. It is less intimate than meeting in private. If you meet up at one of your places, old feelings can rise to the surface and lead to a hookup that you may wish didn’t happen later on. Sure, you may want that. Try to talk things out first, not after.

Link: Love Panky

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